Dear Fairy God-Donator...A thank-you note.

I LOVE clothes. As an art form. As a daily necessity. I love them.

There is something about a favorite sweater or pair of jeans that puts a spring in your step in the morning when you're on your way out the door. When you find something flattering, and you see your silhouette for the first time, with your angles and curves lined up just so, with the colors bringing out the right undertones in your skin...it's like you've found the costume perfect to the character you're playing in your life. It's "you".

Because of this, I appreciate those who simply do this the best. Unfortunately...I don't have the money for brands and designers I love. So what is a poor grad student with this sartorial sensitivity to do?

Over the course of my time in grad school, I have become an avid thrifter. Second hand clothing has somewhat of a stigma surrounding it, so I've kept much of my Goodwill habit a secret (...unless you know me well, or you ask where I got something, in which case I get very excited to tell you about it). But a good 75% of my wardrobe is second hand, and that's all thanks to the force of nature I have officially dubbed my "Fairy God-Donator".

Fairy God-Donator (or FGD) started off in my mind as a woman, probably a little older than me, with a great job, exquisite taste and my exact measurements. She is closest to "Madame Chic" in Jennifer Scott's "Lessons from Madame Chic" series, or Marie Kondo (author of "The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up"). She was donating Banana Republic sweaters and denim, J Crew dresses, and leather boots in top condition, in the styles I would have selected, and I was snapping them up like there was no tomorrow. But over the years I've come to realize that she's more of a spiritual being (sort of like the "spirit" of Santa Clause). She is everywhere; at Urban Exchange in Grand Rapids, at Savers in Naperville, at Clothes Mentor in Aurora...leaving little gifts to her grad school style protege when she was finished with them. The "spirit" of my FGD lives in every generous woman who gives her clothes to these stores in the hopes they find a new home with someone who can appreciate them.

So this post is dedicated to my own FGD...and highlights some of the more generous and beautiful pieces she has left behind, just waiting for me to find them.



The Banana Republic Martin fit tweed wool trousers. How did you know I couldn't find a single pair of dress pants that I liked? They are dressy without being glossy and overdone - perfect for the more casual style that hallmarks academia. These would have been a huge investment, and a good one...but thanks to you, they were the price of my Chipotle that day.



The Calvin Klein T-Shirt dress. Its Parisian chic-ness was masked by its wrinkled and dusty appearance at Goodwill...so much so that the woman at the register took pity on me and charged me a dollar for it - thinking it was a forlorn nightgown. Some downy fabric softener and a round in the permanent press cycle turned this into a wardrobe staple.



Remember when we met? So briefly... in the form of a friend who didn't want these Rachel Zoe pants anymore? That was a magical moment. It's almost time to wear these again, and I have plans for them.



And finally, today I found your latest gift; a current season Robin Piccone jumper. It was hanging, so unassumingly with the dresses, but you knew it'd catch my eye right away. It's like you heard me when I said I was looking for a jumper this spring/summer. You saw me last year when I missed out on the Lilly Pulitzer for Target collection, and somehow managed to get this into my hands.

For any woman who is trying to clear her clutter, and feels the least bit guilty about donating something (maybe because you never wore it, maybe because you spent a lot of money on it) this is a message for you. Those donations are appreciated. Good homes are found with new people who will love them dearly. Go be someone's Fairy God-Donator. I know someday when I'm buying my own high end clothing (yes...someday for sure), I will be happy to give them away without reservation when I'm finished. Somewhere, someone will have a moment of pure magic as they happen upon them.

Thoughts on Maturity.

I saw a picture today that inspired me to write a little blog-lette about something I've noticed during grad school. 



This picture is my life. I am completely the person on the right. I'm not even sure it's because I want all of those alarms for one morning, it's just because at this point...I don't know how to clear all the alarms I've set. Pathetic? Yes. Could I figure it out? Well I have a masters degree in psychology. If I couldn't, I would be very concerned.

I just don't feel like it.

There are these moments in my life where something clicks and I never go back to whatever I was doing before. 

My room used to be a mess always, and now it's very organized. All the time, the carpet is vacuumed, the bed is made (what??). I used to pull all nighters in undergrad, and now I'm asleep by 11, even before deadlines. I used to pack a million things to stave off boredom on a trip, now I'm good with an audiobook or a podcast. 

The thing is, I could SEE that I wanted to be how I am now. I just couldn't do it. So I've decided that maturity isn't teachable. I think it's actually something you just have to wait to happen to you. 

So sorry Mom, and everyone else who tears their hair out when I let the gas get below a quarter tank in my car, or I forget (or am too lazy) to take the trash out, or get iPass tickets in the mail, or leave an iPhone screen on. I'll probably get better...(?) I mean, I don't think anyone would have ever guessed I could keep my room clean back in the day. 

But in the meantime, I'm still a too-serious, far away day-dreamer, who sings in the car, and hums in the office, who has a creative mind that rebels against order and analysis even when I can SEE that it's absolutely necessary, has weird phobias and anxieties, very strong opinions, and who gets way too excited about stuff no one else cares about, including this post.

That's that.

Unpopular Opinion: The defense of weddings

At the risk of sounding like a “bad feminist”, I hold a somewhat unpopular opinion that weddings are good, important, and that they should happen. Yes...SHOULD. 

You’re angry already, but hear me out…

I don’t feel the need to defend marriage. Recent strides in marriage equality, starting with the striking of DOMA in 2013, and coming to fruition with the Supreme Court ruling on the matter have demonstrated that most agree that marriage as an institution is worth defending. At least enough to let any sound minded individual, regardless of race, ethnicity, religious background and most importantly sex and gender enter into the union of their own volition with a willing partner.

But despite the vehement support of marriage equality, there appears to be an equal amount of disdain for weddings. 

I see posts with titles like “getting married isn’t an accomplishment” daily– which often argue the perspective that women seem to be celebrated only for their ability to find a husband or have children, rather than many other accomplishments they attain through diligent work. Where is the party for the master’s degree? Where’s the entrepreneur shower, where the expectant job creator is showered with the newest version of quickbooks, or “strengthsfinder 2.0”? I don’t necessarily disagree with this perspective. There is no question that finding a partner is categorically different than sowing the seeds and reaping the benefits of career-related success.

But that being said, weddings, and the traditions surrounding weddings, are still extremely important. Here’s why.

Weddings signify the union of two families.

While the wedding industry is itching to tell you that that the wedding day is about the bride, this is untrue. When you legally bind two people, you are also implicating their respective family members with one another.

People disagree on this, but it is my opinion that your familial relationships are the most important human relationships you can have. They are worth cultivating. Bringing a new person into your life through marriage involves expanding your most important relationships to an entirely new set of people.

Even if you don’t believe that familial relationships are of the upmost importance, there is also the matter of the expansion of your family through children. Not all marriages result in the growth of a family with children, but many of them do. Through adoption or birth, new family members may be added to the current family structure. Those children hold equal parts of their parent’s legacy. When my parents were married, the Asialas and the Wonacotts celebrated together. And years later, I receive support from both of them. I’m proud to look like an Asiala, and I’m grateful for the mentors I have from the Wonacotts. One of my best friends in the world is my cousin on my father’s side. One of my greatest summer job opportunities came from my mother’s sister. In a way, the wedding between my mom and dad was celebrating everything that was to come. It signified that these people cared about one another and cared about their future together, which happened to include me

A Wedding Signifies a New Family...and new leadership responsibilities

Being a familial unit actually comes with its own new responsibilities to other people. 

When my parents were married, they became a unit. That unit was the basis for the support of many other people beside my sister and I. As a unit, they hosted family events, supported other family members in times of need, and gave back to the community they lived in. When they were married, their wedding celebrated a union that touched the lives of many people years later.

A Wedding is a Ritual

And one of the few you may ever get to be a part of. I took an anthropology class during my undergraduate studies, where we read about the earliest discovered burial site. The details of the burial indicated a turning point for the development of our species, because it demonstrated that at that point, the cognitive system was capable of symbolic thought. Symbolic thought was responsible for the intricate way the body was folded in the grave, and how the body was outlined with material for a purely aesthetic purpose. Symbolic thought is also what allows us to use language, make tools, and ultimately achieve massive feats in science, technology, and art. And that’s the same ability that makes the formal dress, candle lighting, singing, and any other wedding tradition meaningful. Rituals are an inherent part of the human experience. If we are lucky, we will get to be a part of them; as a witness or as a participant.

Wedding Traditions Unite People

Individual career related successes, while laudable, are often not shared among many people. While the rest of my family was very proud when I earned my master’s degree, and I received unwavering support from them, the path to that milestone was mostly walked alone. Many of us, in our educations and careers, will not benefit from the wisdom of the people who came before us. Many of us will be trailblazers on an entirely new life journey. But while our marriages will never mirror the people who came before us, the experience of forming a partnership is something that can unite people in a way other experiences cannot. One of my favorite traditions of the wedding shower is the heirloom gift, or the book of advice, or a collective cookbook that all of the guests contributed to. It’s the passing on of support and wisdom from people who have had their own unique experiences with building a family that brings them closer to the bride.

With all this said, let me be clear about what I am NOT defending

The Wedding Industry…
While I posit that weddings are important, I do not thinking spending a lot of money on them is. Rituals are symbolic. The symbols do not need to be expensive. If a family wishes to rent out a ballroom and pay for an open bar, wonderful. If a family choses to celebrate with a picnic on the beach and a bonfire, that’s still a wedding, and that’s beautiful.

Traditions that are exclusionary…

I mentioned earlier that I love traditions like bridal showers. However, I’m aware that many current wedding traditions are arguably sexist, and can exclude potential participants. With the progress we’ve made in marriage equality, it is clearly time for the forming of new traditions that capture the spirit of an egalitarian marriage. 

Bridezilla…

The wedding is not about the Bride. The wedding is not even primarily for the constituents of the union. The wedding is for the families. Therefore, the idea that it’s the “bride’s day”, and that the bride is to be pampered or lavished with attention and gifts to avoid a hissy-fit goes against the spirit of the ritual.

Christian Weddings…

I’m defending ALL weddings. In a church, on a box, with a fox, etc.
Joking aside, all weddings are rituals that unite families and celebrate the future, and that makes them all worthwhile.

Oppressive Ceremonies…

“What’s the different between a tragedy and a comedy? One ends in a funeral and the other ends in a wedding.” – something my history of theater prof actually said once.

You pretty much get two times in your life anyone will ever get up in front of your friends and family and say anything about you. Once is when you get married, and once is when you die. You only get to be around for one of those times. So the person emceeing or presiding over your ritual should say something that is representative of you, that you agree with. The idea that you need to endure someone saying things about YOUR union and YOUR family because they are some kind of authority (religious or otherwise) also goes against the spirit of this ritual and should be avoided.

Well, I’m curious to see what do you think….have I convinced you?