Unpopular Opinion: The defense of weddings

At the risk of sounding like a “bad feminist”, I hold a somewhat unpopular opinion that weddings are good, important, and that they should happen. Yes...SHOULD. 

You’re angry already, but hear me out…

I don’t feel the need to defend marriage. Recent strides in marriage equality, starting with the striking of DOMA in 2013, and coming to fruition with the Supreme Court ruling on the matter have demonstrated that most agree that marriage as an institution is worth defending. At least enough to let any sound minded individual, regardless of race, ethnicity, religious background and most importantly sex and gender enter into the union of their own volition with a willing partner.

But despite the vehement support of marriage equality, there appears to be an equal amount of disdain for weddings. 

I see posts with titles like “getting married isn’t an accomplishment” daily– which often argue the perspective that women seem to be celebrated only for their ability to find a husband or have children, rather than many other accomplishments they attain through diligent work. Where is the party for the master’s degree? Where’s the entrepreneur shower, where the expectant job creator is showered with the newest version of quickbooks, or “strengthsfinder 2.0”? I don’t necessarily disagree with this perspective. There is no question that finding a partner is categorically different than sowing the seeds and reaping the benefits of career-related success.

But that being said, weddings, and the traditions surrounding weddings, are still extremely important. Here’s why.

Weddings signify the union of two families.

While the wedding industry is itching to tell you that that the wedding day is about the bride, this is untrue. When you legally bind two people, you are also implicating their respective family members with one another.

People disagree on this, but it is my opinion that your familial relationships are the most important human relationships you can have. They are worth cultivating. Bringing a new person into your life through marriage involves expanding your most important relationships to an entirely new set of people.

Even if you don’t believe that familial relationships are of the upmost importance, there is also the matter of the expansion of your family through children. Not all marriages result in the growth of a family with children, but many of them do. Through adoption or birth, new family members may be added to the current family structure. Those children hold equal parts of their parent’s legacy. When my parents were married, the Asialas and the Wonacotts celebrated together. And years later, I receive support from both of them. I’m proud to look like an Asiala, and I’m grateful for the mentors I have from the Wonacotts. One of my best friends in the world is my cousin on my father’s side. One of my greatest summer job opportunities came from my mother’s sister. In a way, the wedding between my mom and dad was celebrating everything that was to come. It signified that these people cared about one another and cared about their future together, which happened to include me

A Wedding Signifies a New Family...and new leadership responsibilities

Being a familial unit actually comes with its own new responsibilities to other people. 

When my parents were married, they became a unit. That unit was the basis for the support of many other people beside my sister and I. As a unit, they hosted family events, supported other family members in times of need, and gave back to the community they lived in. When they were married, their wedding celebrated a union that touched the lives of many people years later.

A Wedding is a Ritual

And one of the few you may ever get to be a part of. I took an anthropology class during my undergraduate studies, where we read about the earliest discovered burial site. The details of the burial indicated a turning point for the development of our species, because it demonstrated that at that point, the cognitive system was capable of symbolic thought. Symbolic thought was responsible for the intricate way the body was folded in the grave, and how the body was outlined with material for a purely aesthetic purpose. Symbolic thought is also what allows us to use language, make tools, and ultimately achieve massive feats in science, technology, and art. And that’s the same ability that makes the formal dress, candle lighting, singing, and any other wedding tradition meaningful. Rituals are an inherent part of the human experience. If we are lucky, we will get to be a part of them; as a witness or as a participant.

Wedding Traditions Unite People

Individual career related successes, while laudable, are often not shared among many people. While the rest of my family was very proud when I earned my master’s degree, and I received unwavering support from them, the path to that milestone was mostly walked alone. Many of us, in our educations and careers, will not benefit from the wisdom of the people who came before us. Many of us will be trailblazers on an entirely new life journey. But while our marriages will never mirror the people who came before us, the experience of forming a partnership is something that can unite people in a way other experiences cannot. One of my favorite traditions of the wedding shower is the heirloom gift, or the book of advice, or a collective cookbook that all of the guests contributed to. It’s the passing on of support and wisdom from people who have had their own unique experiences with building a family that brings them closer to the bride.

With all this said, let me be clear about what I am NOT defending

The Wedding Industry…
While I posit that weddings are important, I do not thinking spending a lot of money on them is. Rituals are symbolic. The symbols do not need to be expensive. If a family wishes to rent out a ballroom and pay for an open bar, wonderful. If a family choses to celebrate with a picnic on the beach and a bonfire, that’s still a wedding, and that’s beautiful.

Traditions that are exclusionary…

I mentioned earlier that I love traditions like bridal showers. However, I’m aware that many current wedding traditions are arguably sexist, and can exclude potential participants. With the progress we’ve made in marriage equality, it is clearly time for the forming of new traditions that capture the spirit of an egalitarian marriage. 

Bridezilla…

The wedding is not about the Bride. The wedding is not even primarily for the constituents of the union. The wedding is for the families. Therefore, the idea that it’s the “bride’s day”, and that the bride is to be pampered or lavished with attention and gifts to avoid a hissy-fit goes against the spirit of the ritual.

Christian Weddings…

I’m defending ALL weddings. In a church, on a box, with a fox, etc.
Joking aside, all weddings are rituals that unite families and celebrate the future, and that makes them all worthwhile.

Oppressive Ceremonies…

“What’s the different between a tragedy and a comedy? One ends in a funeral and the other ends in a wedding.” – something my history of theater prof actually said once.

You pretty much get two times in your life anyone will ever get up in front of your friends and family and say anything about you. Once is when you get married, and once is when you die. You only get to be around for one of those times. So the person emceeing or presiding over your ritual should say something that is representative of you, that you agree with. The idea that you need to endure someone saying things about YOUR union and YOUR family because they are some kind of authority (religious or otherwise) also goes against the spirit of this ritual and should be avoided.

Well, I’m curious to see what do you think….have I convinced you?